thinkiesandthoughtiesQuestion 26: What is your opinion on sexual fetishes? Feeder fetish, fat fetish, foot fetish, crush fetish, acrotomophilia fetish, etc.

Like the Regular Joe, I seek control over everything. Several years ago, I was too critical of almost everything, so I probably hoped fetishists sought counseling and therapy in order to identity the unfortunate childhood situation that sprouted an abnormal attraction to a particular body part, action, or type of person. You’re attracted to acting submissive like a baby and having a parent-figure dominate you (autonepiophili)? You were probably breast-fed until you were four years old and have an unhealthy relationship with your mom. Stuff like that needed to be identified and resolved instead of encouraged through a consenting sexual partner.

Like the Regular Joe, I wanted to be in control of sex — the problem was, I didn’t know much about it. However, after talking to enough people about sex, it became glaringly obvious that almost everyone is turned on by specific body parts, actions, or types of people. For example, an obsession with breasts, ass, or legs isn’t uncommon. What about a particular attraction to older men or women (Anililagnia), or watching other people have sex (e.g. porn)(Voyeurism). As usual, most people enjoy these fetishes, so we don’t think they’re weird… or even fetishes. They’re what “normal” people having “normal sex” like to look at or touch.

The majority creates an identity that we latch onto in order to feel in control. If a bunch of people support a particular way of having sex (whether between one man and one woman, after marriage, not in the butt, etc.) all other ways must be the terrible effect of some terrible event during someone’s childhood. You know, boring sex or not liking sex at all can just as easily be the terrible effect of some terrible event during someone’s childhood.

Thus, it’s a good idea to question your sexuality, but not to the point of creating more anxiety than answers. It would be a shame to feel so guilty about one’s sexuality that desperation for understanding creates imaginary or inaccurate reasons. What is more effective, I think, is responsible dabbling. Exploring a fetish may offer an outlet for revealing truths (or really exciting sex) you otherwise wouldn’t find. By coupling careful self-exploration with responsible dabbling in sex, we can dissolve boundaries instigated by outside influence and establish well-informed conclusions.

Everything sounds great so far. Here are some problems:

There are obvious irresponsible explorations of sexual fetishes through sex. Seriously, there is just straight up irresponsible sex. Pedophilia or rape are two examples — you cannot responsibly engage in a fetish without a consenting partner. Seeking counseling and therapy is the most responsible method for exploring fetishes having to do with abuse.

Also, when it comes to consent, it is disrespectful to coax unknowing people into satisfying your fetish. If you have a fetish for hands and offer to give a hand massage to an unknowing friend, you’re acting like a jerk. I would also argue it’s sexual harassment. If you have a shoe or foot fetish, is smelling someone’s shoes without consent really any different than smelling their panties? No, not really. Sure, people with common fetishes (like breasts, ass, or legs) are more easily spotted and may avert their eyes on suspecting targets, but the bottom line is that it’s wrong to manipulate someone into sexual situations. There is a distinct difference between watching porn (consenting actors) and secretly watching a couple through a hole in the wall (both are Voyeurism.

View Jennifer’s answer to Question 25

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Thinkies & Thoughties is inspired by The Book of Questions by Doctor Gregory Stock. Grab a cup of coffee — or something a little stronger — and sit down, open up, and share yourself every Friday.

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5 thoughts on “THINKIES & THOUGHTIES: Question 26

  1. I completely agree with you that what the majority prefers, becomes normal and everything else is judges as abnormal. Though I don’t know much about sex but do like to be in control of it like Regular Joe, yet I have a small opinion or rather an aspect to the problem for sharing here.
    As you very rightly stated, that it is good to question and explore your sexuality to a certain extent. The problem in most of the parts of the world is that sex is still considered to be a taboo and the line that separates acceptable from punishable is quite blurred. One major reason for this is the lack of sex education which in turns triggers a chain reaction of unawareness which is passed through generations. Here is where the alternate sources of information come to satisfy the hormones, that is, porn. This again shows an unrealistic picture of sex to young minds and further erases the already blurred line.
    I hope I am making sense and haven’t gone off tangentially, so will conclude by saying that though questioning and exploring is necessary and healthy, a pre-requisite step is to teach the masses the art of exploring. :)

    1. Hello, Prateek. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my question of the week. This was a very difficult topic of discussion, and I realize my answer is just barely scuffing the surface of a complex subject. Nonetheless, I completely support your opinion that education is the first step to making a responsible and healthy personal choice. It not only allows young people to understand themselves in an (often) safe and academic environment, but it should also remove the stigma since it’s being discussed in a safe and academic environment.

      1. Aptly said, Jennifer. It is always great to share the thoughts and opinions of an exquisite author with so much experience.
        I’ll be eagerly looking forward to more of your posts and also the intriguing ‘Battleground’ :)

  2. Jennifer, I’ve spent quite some time way from my own blogs due to life problems, depression, and a generally overwhelmed feeling about life. Now I’m missing the society of fellow writers (even though I’m still a little scared of being scared again. Got to try to put a lid on that!) What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been revisiting blogs lately to catch up a bit and have now come across yours.

    Having met the you you describe at the beginning of this post, I just had to leave a note to say wow! I see so much growth in you. Being able to communicate on a topic like this with openness, intelligence and compassion is a wonderful thing. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this. And I wanted to say hi. Best wishes to you.

    1. Thank you so much, Ré. I actually visited your blog a few months ago, remembering how much I appreciate your honesty and perspective. I was sad to see that you were taking a break, although I had the feeling it was necessary and helpful. I’m so glad you stopped by and wrote to me. I remember writing about how sleeping through the day was a waste of time, and how you taught me that business can wear us thin. I’ve recently embraced that, and have found so much peace and understanding in the slow and quiet parts of my life. Thank you for that.

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