Question 23: Which do you prefer: A turbulent, wild life filled with sorrow, joy, adventure, passion, intoxicating success, and stunning setbacks; or a secure, happy, predictable life surrounded by friends and family, without wide swings of fortune and mood?
There is no easy way for me to answer this. All my life was dedicated toward building a home, intrinsically and extrinsically. My younger years were dedicated to dissecting my personality in order to understand and/or change negative aspects. I nurtured roots that I valued and cut the extra fat. The girl I became, until recently, was the girl I wanted to be. My environment became more established, as well. My goal was to gain true and long-lasting friendships, find a place to live and nest, and develop a career.
Everything is compromised now. More and more, I regret becoming diabetic. It’s silly to blame a disease for personal failures, but the strict lifestyle that came with diabetes has influenced heartache in ways I never expected. I valued being adult-like before I had an opportunity to explore being child-like.
The notion of losing it all and beginning again is terrifying. It would be a thrill to find myself in unknown and uncomfortable circumstances, see what it’s really like to suffer, and see what it’s really like to ascend —but a thrill often shares a wall with failure, and failure—real loss—is too much for girl who never built a foundation from a variety of experiences.
Building a foundation on strict self-discipline produced a limited confidence.
So, after all of this, I wish one had come before the other. I wish a wild life came before a secure one.
Thinkies & Thoughties is inspired by The Book of Questions by Doctor Gregory Stock. Grab a cup of coffee — or something a little stronger — and sit down, open up, and share yourself every Friday.
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