thinkiesandthoughtiesQuestion 23: Which do you prefer: A turbulent, wild life filled with sorrow, joy, adventure, passion, intoxicating success, and stunning setbacks; or a secure, happy, predictable life surrounded by friends and family, without wide swings of fortune and mood?

There is no easy way for me to answer this. All my life was dedicated toward building a home, intrinsically and extrinsically. My younger years were dedicated to dissecting my personality in order to understand and/or change negative aspects. I nurtured roots that I valued and cut the extra fat. The girl I became, until recently, was the girl I wanted to be. My environment became more established, as well. My goal was to gain true and long-lasting friendships, find a place to live and nest, and develop a career.

Everything is compromised now. More and more, I regret becoming diabetic. It’s silly to blame a disease for personal failures, but the strict lifestyle that came with diabetes has influenced heartache in ways I never expected. I valued being adult-like before I had an opportunity to explore being child-like.

The notion of losing it all and beginning again is terrifying. It would be a thrill to find myself in unknown and uncomfortable circumstances, see what it’s really like to suffer, and see what it’s really like to ascend —but a thrill often shares a wall with failure, and failure—real loss—is too much for girl who never built a foundation from a variety of experiences.

Building a foundation on strict self-discipline produced a limited confidence.

So, after all of this, I wish one had come before the other. I wish a wild life came before a secure one.

View Jennifer’s answer to Question 22

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2 thoughts on “THINKIES & THOUGHTIES: Question 23

  1. I’m a bit late in answering this but I want to contribute anyway. I like feeling safe and secure. I’ve never been a risk taker. I’ve made a few bold moves, but it was always with purpose and I had a sense that I’d be able to succeed there. I’ve recently left my safe little bubble of a life behind to venture someplace completely new.

    If I like my sense of security so much then why would I leave you might ask? I seem to be asking myself that on a daily basis. I’m not exactly ‘sowing my wild oats’ but it’s being independent and shedding the sense of responsibility I felt at home. I do what I want, for me, without having to consider what someone else wants. I wasn’t happy there. I hoped that by leaving I’d find the passion and drive and ambition I lost shortly after graduating college. Now I’m faced with the possibility that maybe my depression has nothing to do with my circumstances or feelings of being in a rut … maybe it’s just me.

    I’ll take stability over wild ups and downs any day. It really comes down to where you find your happiness. And who you want around you to share in that happiness.

    1. I find you and I have more in common the more we talk. I believe that since you are still young on your current adventure away from home, you won’t find instant gratification or purpose. It is discovered and molded over time and experiences. I usually find my most purpose in my hobbies and the transformation between novice and creative designer. However, if depression really is a part of you, it is good to be aware of it and incorporate it into your process. How can you achieve what you desire with this part of you? Are there people, activities, or medications that help? I think once we begin to notice, accept, analyze, and plan with what we already have, we are then able to expand. On the other hand, a dear friend of mine says the opposite: if you’re unsure of who you are, start out big with worldly experiences and move inward. I’m still figuring out how to achieve what I need without risking what I already have. It seems like a delicate and dangerous balance, but perhaps the parts of use that are delicate need a good challenge…

      I wish you much patience and success in your endeavors, my friend.

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